As she peacefully lays there I could feel her slipping. I quietly tell her "Grandpa is here. He is waiting for you. You need to go and dance with him." No response, no smile, no tear, she grunts. I know she hears me. I tell her about the kids. I tell her to say "Hi" to Grandpa. I tell her about the things we did as kids. (D, I even tell her a little secret.) She grunts when it's something funny, but mostly she is just trying to breathe.
For three days I have lifted her, cleaned her, brushed, rubbed and layed with her. I help to dress her. Thinking of how life can play unfair at times. Wondering why? Why this way? Why not quickly? I realize then it was not for her, it was for me and my mom. I know that my mom could not do this alone. She needed me. She needed me to lift Grandma. She needed me to hold both their hands. She needed me to reassure her it was okay. She needed to hear that Grandpa was there. And he was.
So as she detoriates day by day I wonder. Will my time with her matter? Will she know I love her? Does she know she will be missed? Who is going to call me and say "Are you here yet?" As she waits on the front porch. Oh, how I will miss coming around the corner and see her sitting there. But I can't focus on that now. I have to be strong. I have to sit and listen to the nurse because Mom can't.
So tonight my time comes and as quickly it goes. I am laying there with her. Carrying on as if she is responding. Then silence and peace. The spirit quietly whispers, "You need to go now, you need to leave. Your time is done." The spirit is telling me my time is done. I need to leave the room and let my Mom sit with her Mother.
I can't leave the area. I go into the next room knowing what is happening. Knowing that her time here on earth is done. I quietly go into the room and see her. I know. I look over and it is 5:02. I quietly slip out go to the top of the stairs and say to Dad 5:02. He asks what do you mean? I again say 5:02 and go back to the room. I hear them come. As we circle around her I feel them.
She knows. She knows she is loved. She knows she will be missed. And she knows everything will be okay.
My time will never be forgotten. My time will be cherished. My time to show her the love she has always shown me.
"Love You More." I hear her in my mind. I will never forget my times she tells me that.
4 comments:
You've been on my mind ALL day long...now, I know why. I love you, know you are in my thoughts & prayers!
so sorry. I will be thinking of you guys and if you need anything, please let me know! (Your post was beautiful)
that is so beautiful Aubrey. You stayed faithfully by her side the last couple of days and I know that it meant so much to her and your mother. I love you!! Please let me know what I can do.
Thank you, Aubrey, for sharing your time with your grandmother -- it is a precious gift to have had this close time with her at her passing through the veil. Your children will see you in this new light, as a granddaughter who has been so important to her grandmother and mother at this tender time. They have learned, through you, not to fear death but to honor this holy passage. My heart has been with all of you especially in these past weeks.
My love to you all. Beverly
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